Breast cancer: Could you count on your partner’s support?

By Bunmi Sofola 

BAFFLED by the recent spate of deaths due to cancer, I asked a medical doctor friend why cancer had become so prevalent. “It’s been around for ages,” he told me, ‘people only call it by different names, and some were comfortable referring to the ailment as due to supernatural forces rather than to a rational explanation.” In a country where most men are fixated on the boobs, what position does a breast-cancer survivor find herself in her partner’s affection? Does the “In sickness and in health” vow hold true here?

Franka, in her early 50s travelled abroad and decided to have a mammographic test. A routine examination she’d had a couple of times, she was gobsmacked when the test revealed she had some cancerous cells in one of her breasts. 

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She had to extend her holidays so she could have a mastectomy. Thankfully, the cancer hadn’t spread and a few months later, she had reconstruction surgery on the affected breast. “I was grateful I could now wear a proper bra and my health bounced back, In time I met an old friend who showed new interest in me. 

As a mother of three adult children, this doesn’t happen often. After a few dates and some passionate necking, I came clear to him before we got to the undressing part. He was visibly shocked but quickly got over the shock to offer the right sympathy. Needless to say, he never called  again and I have enough dignity not to call him and ask him why….” Miriam, a breast cancer-survivor has this to say in her recent letter to me: “I had a mastectomy two years ago after I was diagnosed a breast—cancer victim. 

Before then, I’d made plans with my husband to make the most of the rest of our years together. Our last child (we had four), had just finished her degree course and we decided to spend some money on our general well-being. We enrolled in a gym near our house and revamped our wardrobe. Until cancer struck, and I had to go through the trauma of getting well. My husband was quite supportive when I first had my operation. 

It was about this time too that we got delivery of the brand new car we’d promised each other as a treat. Not long after, my husband, who was now amazingly fit (thanks to his stints at the gym) became distant. It was inevitable that he got himself  a new girlfriend—he was quite open about this affair as he said being around an ailing partner made him feel stressed. If I were to be honest, I don’t blame him—my breasts are misshaped and I’ve put on a lot of weight due to my treatment. 

I feel really inadequate and, if it wasn’t for the children and grandchildren, God only knows what I would have resorted to. Why I’m writing to you is to warn breast cancer sufferers like me who are heartbroken because their husbands have made them feel undesirable, unloved and worthless not to despair. In spite of their feeling themselves sinking in a sea of depression, they must not give up on themselves. 

They should be strong. They may not think they can make it through, but they can. My husband was self-obsessed, all that working out has made his ego bigger than his brain and his heart. But my illness was not my making and I’m getting on with living a meaningful life. “Sometimes, couples going through a traumatic phase may need to be apart to clear their heads and decide what they want in life.

My husband may come to his senses and realize he’s made a huge mistake but, apart from what he decides to do, I’ve discovered there’s great power and value in picking up my life and doing what is best for the family. In spite of my eldest daughter urging me to move into her family’s guest room, I’ve stayed in the home I’ve put years of my life into making. I’m quite determined not to allow someone else to control my fate. Just as I cannot control or make my husband leave his mistress and be the caring husband and father he once was…. 

When I showed this lady’s letter to Florence, she told me she understood what Miriam was going through. “After I had my operation,” she told me, “I went for counselling where patients were told they should spare’ a thought for their partners’ reaction. That it could be harrowing to watch a loved one’s character change due to an illness. 

The personality they once knew and loved seem to belong to someone they don’t recognize. One man confessed that everyone rang to find out how his wife was, which was understandable, but what about him? It’s so hard watching the person you’ve loved over the years fade away into someone you can’t really relate to. Anybody recovering from a major illness must start thinking about themselves. 

If they make some time for themselves for a trip to the shops for instance, or to a cinema to meet a friend or family for a meal, they’d feel the strength of life seeping back and this would change the way they feel about themselves.